Monday, May 11, 2009

How to Make Your Own Wolf

It's time to stray away from journalism, PR, social media, education and all those other things that have become the norm on this blog to do a more traditional post. This topic has been on my mind for a while now, so I think it's time I write about it. That's right, we're going to talk about biology.

Now before you go running away thinking this is some boring post about protons, anatomy, cells or squamous tissue, please remember where you are. You're reading Relatively Journalizing, and you know by now that I don't take myself that seriously. This post is to educate you about the origin of wolves.

Don't worry, there's no birds-and-bees talk coming. Of course, that's because wolves do not — contrary to popular belief — mate in order to reproduce. Wolves are actually the product of wolfberries, the nutrient-rich, ellipsoid red berries known to the Chinese as the goji berry. I know this is difficult to take at face value, but consider how many times you've actually seen a wolf give birth. Exactly. (And no, as gross as it may be, huskies do not count.)

I know what you're asking yourself right now. If you plant a wolfberry to get a new wolf to be born from the earth, then from where do wolfberries come? Just stop and check yourself right now. The answer is wolfberry seeds, of course, you dolt.

With six vitamins, 11 dietary minerals and enough antioxidants to make you cancel your subscription to Oxidized Monthly, wolfberries are magical fruits whose superiority over their cousin the eggplant is solidified in history forever. But what does this mean in your own life? Well, if wolfberries yield wolves and are full of nutrition, then it is only logical that wolves must be delicious meaty treats composed of every essential vitamin and mineral we could ever need to survive. Therefore, the longevity of the human race relies on diets comprising nothing but wolf steak.

So get out there and start hunting wolves, but please be sure to send me some wolf jerky for alerting you of this deficiency in your diet. If you aren't more healthy than ever before after one year of eating nothing but wolf, then you probably deserve to be malnourished for taking medical advice from a guy with a Master of Arts degree in public relations. Then again, isn't the real question still on all our minds, "What happens if you plant a wolf?" I'm afraid we may not want to know the answer to that question....

1 comment:

Beamer said...

Brilliant, sir. And a public service annoucement if there ever was one.