Saturday, March 7, 2009

Interlude in the Key of D

Recently, the Great Blog War has been waged across the posts of No Use for a Headline, Relatively Journalizing and Blog! The most recent part, with links to the previous parts, is available here. However, it seems that the blogless Daron feels a guest post is in order to put this war into perspective.


The following post is by guest blogger Daron, a.k.a., The Ref.

Hold on now, kids. There's no way to determine a winner to this argument without a referee coming in to break up the fights, send offenders to the penalty sandbox, and screw up a few calls.

First, let's discuss Alex's (Insert Nickname Other Than Treehugger) good and bad points. He scores two points with his discovery of a truly useless topic, yet one that will attract the masses. He then loses those two points by failing to answer the question he asks in his title, a rookie mistake that only a Marist grad would make. He scores one back by referencing Will Shortz as the crossword guru, however, as this referee has a Sudoku book edited by the same Will Shortz, Alex once again loses two points, as well as any credibility, manliness and respect that he may have previously had. That leaves Alex at negative one points.

Next, let's look at the Thundering Turd (Josh). He is awarded an astounding five points for his creative referencing of the Bible, causing the ref to spit his drink onto his computer screen. Unfortunately, as he is clearly incorrect in the argument, he cancels out his prior awesomeness. I can summarize my thoughts about TT with a line from 1995's low-budget, made-for-TV movie Billy Madison: "What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

Third, MasturGator (Evan) mouth-farts his way into the discussion with his astute-yet-holier-than-thou-yet-still-Gumpesque-in-its-retardedness assertion that nobody plays games with pencils and paper anymore. At least that's what I heard — I never learned to read. I'm too pore. But my cholesterol did shoot up 60 points just reading his suggestion that we should all become computer geeks like him. Three points awarded for introducing a new twist to the conversation, but negative six for being Evan. For those who don't understand numbers, that's a total of negative three.

Alex then introduces us to his tech-iness by referencing the iPhone and its newfangled applications, which costs him two points. Down negative three at this point, he comes on strong by formulating his own words, "Sudukites" and "Sudokize," worth three points each. He loses one for the weak ending, but that leaves him up two at this point.

Finally, Josh chimes in again. I won't even grant him the effort of describing his rant, as his assertion that Alex is officially old because of the presence of a Sudoku book on his toilet hits this ref (Alex plus four years) awfully close to home. Die, Josh. Negative five points.

So to recap, at this point in the game, Alex is winning with two points, Josh is dying with negative five, and Evan, who has yet to take his second turn, sits at negative three. And with this ref's anti-Evan bias — I mean uber-fairness — I doubt he'll improve his standing by using words other than, "OK, you're right, I guess I should jump off this cliff."


Beamer said...

You know, I'd actually have to agree with Daron here. Specifically with the part where I'm winning. Boo-yah.

JD said...

It's OK, you won't be winning for long, considering Evan and I now have our combined powers with which to thwart your evil plans. Besides, I get to take some points for myself just for publishing Daron's post, I'd say.