Friday, August 29, 2008

Extra Edition: McCain Picks Canadian, Polar Bear Killer as Running Mate

Republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain has announced his running mate will be Sarah Palin, governor of the Canadian province of Alaska.

Palin, who is a Miss Alaska competition loser (though she appears to have aged well over time), does not even have a full term as governor under her belt (um, skirt?), so this selection really hurts the McCain campaign's argument that Democratic nominee Sen. Barack Obama is too inexperienced to be in the White House (not to mention selecting someone from another country, also know as "America's hat", might not have been the best idea).

Let's face it, though, McCain had no choice. Pick Romney and lose the evangelical base. Pick Huckabee and lose the independents and Democrats McCain needs to tip the scale in his favor. Pick Lieberman and gain the Jewish vote, but lose the Republicans altogether (he did, afterall, run as Gore's running mate). Pick a woman? Perhaps gain a couple of the women who are bitter about losing the chance to vote for Hillary — the two or three who are too stubborn to listen to the clear, articulate, persuasive and powerful message Hillary sent with her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

I just hope that I as a taxpayer don't end up footing the bill for the daycare needs of Palin's five children while she goes about her vice-presidential duties (of course you have to entertain the fantasy that McCain wins the election). Whatever, at least she's hot... which doesn't help the Republican Party on the global warming issue. Perhaps we should have built a wall on the Canadian border, as it seems we're being overran from the North!

And get this — Sarah Palin is a POLAR BEAR KILLER! She is trying to keep polar bears off the endangered species list so she can develop oil endeavors. How is this trying to help America's dependence on oil by coming up with alternative energy sources? And killing one of the coolest animals on Earth at the same time? Palin better hope female dogs get on the endangered species list real soon.

Palin even thinks she is God, signing a letter, "Your Heavenly Father," and such blasphemy should be a quick turnoff to conservative Christians who have been planning to vote Republican. And excuse me, but who in their right mind names their child Trig? Maybe Geometry, Algebra and Calc will follow as Palin's sixth, seventh and eighth kids.

Vote American, NOT Canadian! OK, so perhaps Alaska really is part of the U.S., but it's about as far away from the majority of the population as McCain and Palin are from what Americans really want on the presidential ballot.

1 comment:

penguindredg said...

Absolutely...fucking...brilliant!!!